OBITUARY FOR COMMON SENSE

OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

RIP We shall remember

Riddles 1: Answers

Riddle 1: E - Eternity begins with 'e' and so does end, and the rest of those words ended with e.

Riddle 1: Down - the lion's dead with hunger.

Riddles 1

Riddle #1: What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, and the end of any place?

Riddle #2: You're stuck in a tree. A few branches higher is a starving giant snake; at the bottom is a lion, dead with hunger. Which way do you go?

Crude Jokes 1

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate

Father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to

Arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be

Here soon. " Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby

Photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a specialty of

Babies"

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

Couch and perhaps a couple on the bed Sometimes the living room floor is

Fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we

Try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different

Angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"

"My, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in

And out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

Baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their

Mother was so difficult to work with"

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job

Done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get

a good look"

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The

mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the

Squirrels began nibbling on my equipment; I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,

Um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we

Can get to work."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for

me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ...

Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Humorous Headstones

On a tombstone:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.

If I ever see an amputee getting hanged, I'm gonna start calling out letters.

You must pay for your sins.
If you have already paid,
you can ignore this notice.


Hilaire Belloc
His sins were scarlet,
but his books were read.
(Hilare Belloc is/was a real author that this was what he wanted for his epitath)


Best Cemetery Ever: People are dying to get in.

Tombstone:
I finished before you in the Human race.

Tombstone:

Here lies Jim, a tightrope walker.
Used no net
Knew no fear
Made mis-step
Wound up here.

Tombstone:

Here lies Joe
He looked up the mine shaft to see
if the cart was on it's way down.
It was.

Tombstone:

Here lies Jane, an Atheist
All dressed up and no place to go.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Cat Williams
The curiousity got to her


Tombstone:
Doug Graves
You reap what you sow


Surnames caused rhyming problems for the stonecutter.
Here beneath this pile of stones
Lies all thats left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Smith, not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.


Here lie the remains of
Thomas Woodhen.
The most amiable of husbands
And excellent of men.
His real name was Woodcock
But it wouldn't come in rhyme.


=
Never accept a drink
from a urologist


=
Not all men are annoying
Some are dead.

Tombstone:

Here lies Blind Larry,
He didn't see who was behind him.

Tombstone:
His foot is slipt
and he did fall.
"Help; Help" he cried
and that was all.


Tombstone:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.

(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Red Light Halt
Sadly, he was color-blind.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone (topped with antlers):
HIDAN
Immortal but Resting In Pieces


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
DEIDARA
I'm not dead, un.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
ICHIGO KUROSAKI
Substitute No More


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Kenny
YOU BASTARDS!


Tombstone:
Brutal murderer and rapist.
Will be dearly missed.


Tombstone:
Born free
Taxed to death.


Tombstone:
Died doing what he loved;
His wife.


Tombstone:
Don’t touch my stuff while I’m gone


Tombstone:
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
The more you complain, the longer you live
Why the hell didn't I do it more?


Tombstone:
Where am I going?
And why am I in this hand basket?


Tombstone:
Lost at Jumanji


Tombstone:
Errors have been made,
Others will be blamed.


Tombstone:
Shot by the Pope’s bodyguards


Tombstone:
New babysitter needed
Please call 020 7033 7263


Tombstone:
World ‘Playing Dead’ Champion 2010


Tombstone:
Professional stuntman,
extreme sports enthusiast
and lifelong smoker.
Choked to death on a grape.


Tombstone:
Overdosed on Viagra.
His wife took it very hard.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
I don't care. I don't have to, I'm dead.


Tombstone:
There’s no point in talking to me,
I can’t hear you.


Tombstone:
In vague memory of…


Tombstone:
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.


Tombstone:
I'm not all here.


Tombstone:
I’m behind you


Tombstone:
Don't take life too seriously
No one gets out alive


Tombstone:
What are you looking at?


Tombstone:
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.


Tombstone:
Left this world the same way he came into it;
kicking and screaming, naked, covered in bodily fluids
and with absolutely nothing to his name


Tombstone:
Here lies the body of
Arkansas Jim.
We made the mistake,
But the joke's on him.


Tombstone:
Here lies the body of
Jane Gordon
With mouth almighty
and teeth accordin!


Tombstone:
This stone was raised by Sara's Lord
Not Sara's virtues to record
For they are known to all the town.
This stone was raised to keep her down.


Tombstone:
She lived with her husband fifty years
And died in the confident hope of a better life.


Tombstone:
I put my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own.


Tombstone:
Reader pass on and ne'er waste your time
On bad biography and bitter rhyme.


Tombstone:
Tragically passed away after tripping in the shower.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
It was a 'she' who wrote this.
And that was all.


Tombstone:
I have nothing more to say


Tombstone:
I died and all I got was
this lousy gravestone


Tombstone:
Here lies Ned.
There is nothing more to be said--
Because we like to speak well of the dead.


Tombstone:
Wandy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.


Tombstone:
Choked on cyanide pill


Tombstone:
This beloved Jamaican has gone on to limbo forever


Tombstone:
Award-winning dentist.
Identified by his dental records.


(Personal Spin)
Tombstone:
Died of electrocution.
Her death still came as a shock.


Tombstone:
I’ve got rigor mortis.
Fancy a shag?


Tombstone:
I’m not dead,
I’m mortally challenged


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Born on this spot.
No wonder I died so soon


Tombstone:
If I were still alive...
IF, a two letter word for futility


Tombstone:
Here lies the single
greatest human being
that ever lived


Tombstone:
A man of much courage and superb equipment.


Tombstone:
Hoped to be reincarnated
As a vagina


Tombstone:
Gone but not forgiven.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
It's alive, it's ALIVE!!
Too bad I'm not.


Tombstone:
The Grateful Dead
Other Side:
The Ungrateful Dead


Tombstone:
(NAME)
I may be gone but Rock and Roll lives on


Tombstone:
Martin Luthor King Jr
"Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!"


Tombstone:
Stupidity Kills

Tombstone:
Innocent Bystander


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Buried upside-down, kiss my ass


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Here's your answer.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
My last words were:
"Aw, shit."


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
I didn't deserve this.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Are you just here to mock me?


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
I tried to get revenge
Obviously, I failed.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
I'll wait for you...
what the hell is taking so long!


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
I got lost on the road of life
I asked for directions
I am now at the final destination.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Rest in peace. The mistake shall not be repeated.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Don't dance on my grave.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Death Before Dishonor
can I stop with the honor thing now?


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Go ahead and celebrate.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
I had to get away somehow.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
You're trespassing
Don't come back
Until you are ready to stay


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
LET ME OUT!
I'm afraid of the dark!


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
My Ma told me I needed to stop
Said I was gonna end up dead someday
8 years later and hey, she was right.

(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
We checked to see
if this hobo was dead.
He was.
If you knew him,
sorry we didn't inform you.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
I bought life insurance,
When am I getting paid?


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Is this because I ran over the Taco Bell dog?


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
WTF?
I SAID I wanted to be cremated,

(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Heed this lesson well:
There comes a time when the laughter must stop
This guy busted his gut.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
I saw my brother being made
I was scarred for life
SO glad that's over.


Tombstone:
I'll be back someday,
Some way, somehow,
But not now.


Tombstone:
First a Cough
Carried Me Off
Then a Coffin
They Carried Me Off In


Tombstone:
Cold is my bed, but oh, I love it,
For colder are my friends above it.

Tombstone:
Once I wasn't
Then I was
Now I ain't again.


Tombstone:
You haven’t seen the last of me

(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Under this stone lies
a former grave robber
Take what you want.

(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
I made fun of a mugger
It was my last laugh



(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Common Sense
this death was premature


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
I told the hospital I was an organ donor
Boy, was that a mistake.


Tombstone:
Here lies old Aunt Hannah Proctor
Who purged but didn't call the Doctor:
She couldn't stay, She had to go
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.


Tombstone:
Died horrifically in a freak tiddlywinks accident


Tombstone:
This would be really funny
if it hadn't happened to me.


Tombstone:
Here richly, with ridiculous display,
The Politician's corpse was laid away.
While all of his acquaintance sneered and slanged,
I wept: for I had longed to see him hanged.


Tombstone:
Blown upward
Out of sight;
He sought the leak
By candlelight


Tombstone:
One foot in the grave.
The other not found.


Tombstone:
Here lies my wife,
Here lies she;
Hallelujah!
Hallelujee!


Tombstone:
Here lies my wife:
here let her lie!
Now she's at rest,
and so am I.


Tombstone:
Tears cannot restore her
Therefore I weep.


Tombstone:
Buried in a solid gold, diamond-encrusted coffin. Because I could.


Tombstone:
I was tombstone carver
I knew this was going to happen


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
There was a prophesy foretelling I would one day die
I still say that fortune teller was a dumbass.



(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
This is my story
THE END


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Ham Stereburn
The wheel's still turning
But the hamster's dead.



(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Her favorite game was
Playing dead
So when she fell asleep
We buried her.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Loyal customer of Mrs. Lovett

(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
I was too awesome for this world

(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
I finally got enough exercise pushing my luck.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Why the hell did I think it was a good time to hum the Mission Impossible theme?


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
They say
"Your future depends on your dreams"
Well, I'm asleep. And all my dreams are the same.


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Friends help you move.
Real friends help you move bodies.
Guess which kind I had?


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Jessica Albrite
Cause of Death: Suicide
I made many attempts
I only needed to succeed once


Tombstone:
I knew this would happen to me


(thought up myself)
Tombstone:
Here lies a true sinner-
One whom became lost in his own LUST
Succumbed to GLUTTONY
And fed on GREED
Fell to PRIDE
And felt the WRATH
Truly, not one to ENVY
For he now knows only SLOTH

Here lies Slip Mcvey
He would be here today
But bad whiskey and a fast gun
put him away


Here lies Lester Moore
four shots from a .44
No Les-no more


Ma Loved Pa,
Pa Loved Women,
Ma caught Pa with one in swimmin..
Here Lies Pa


They abounded in riches
But she wore the britches ...


I put my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own.


Here lies the body of Samuel Crane
He ran a race with a passenger train
He got to the crossing and almost across
Sam and his car was a total loss
Sams spirit now tolls his knell
That Sam is on his way to well
If he only took time to stop look and listen
He'd be living now instead of missing


Grim Death
To Please His Palate
Has Taken My Lettice
To Put in His Sallat.


Owen Moore has passed away
Owin' More than he could could pay

"Here I lie, snug as a bug in a rug"
(Two rows down in same cemetary)
"Here I lie, snugger than that other bugger"




Beneath this stone
my wife doth lie,
Now she's at rest
and so am I.

" He (She)
is a groundless roomer"

Here Lies


Dinah had a little can
'Twas filled with kerosine
And soon among the twinkling stars
Dynamite Benzine. *
(* Dinah might been seen)

________
Born xxxx
Died xxxx
Dear Lord
She is thin
..(and around the corner on the next side) 'e'

Spelling is exactly as written on the tombstone)
In memory of
Richard Fothergill
Who met vierlent death near this spot
18 hundred and 40 too.
He was shot by
his own pistill.
It was not one of the
new kind;
But an old fashioned brass barrell
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Near Sparta Diggings, California


Saw this on one side of a tombstone



I was Carolina Born
and Carolina bred
and here I lay
Carolina dead!





She did what she could



Here Lies The Body Of A Man Who Died
Nobody Mourned - Nobody Cried
How He Lived - How He Fared
Nobody Knows - Nobody Cared



Tom Smith is dead, and here he lies,
Nobody laughs and nobody cries;
Where his soul's gone, or how it fares,
Nobody knows, and nobody cares.


Here Lies Joyce
She'd rather not,
But has no choice.


>Assuming my death
has occurred
And five doctors
have concurred..
Please REVIVE me!
If you can get
no breath
Take the person who
caused my death
and bury them
right beside me.


Ope'd my eyes,
Took a peep.
Didn't like it,
Went back to sleep.


We all have a debt
To nature due
I've paid mine
And so must you.


Dear Sister
Here lies the body of Mary Ford.
We hope her soul is with the Lord.
But if for hell she's changed this life,
Better live there than as J. Ford's wife.
Sowersby


-- Solomon Pease --
Here under this sod, and under these trees
Is buried the body of Solomon Pease
But here in his hole lies only the pod,
His soul is shelled out, and gone up to God.




-- Arabella Young, 1771 --
Here lies as silent clay
Miss Arabella Young.
Who on the 21st of May,
Began to hold her tongue.



Grim death took me
without any warning.
I was well at night,
and dead in the morning.



-- Anna Wallace --

The Children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife
And the Devil sent him Anna



Sacred to the memory of Jared Bates,
Who died Aug. the 6th, 1800.
His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street,
Has every qualification for a good wife,
And longs to be comforted.



Grieve not for me, my husband dear.
I am not dead but sleeping here.
With patience wait - perforce to die
And in a short time you'll come to I.
-And the husband added:
I am not grieved, my dearest life.
Sleep on, I've got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.
He looked
for gold
and died of
lead poison



Here lies the bones of Private Jones
For whom War held no terrors.
A private then, a private now
No runs, No hits, just errors.



Here's to Johnny, quite a guy
Very sad he had to die
All was well, could not be better
Till he wrote my girl a letter.



Wherever you be,
Let your wind go free.
For holding it in,
Was the killing of me.




Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.



Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.



Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.



Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.



Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.



I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.


Tombstone: (Schenectady, New York)
He got a fish-bone in his throat
and then he sang an angel note.


Tombstone:
Sacred To The Remains of
Jonathan Thompson
A Pious Christian and
Affectionate Husband.
His disconsolate widow
Continues to carry on
His grocery business
At the old stand on
Main Street: Cheapest
and best prices in town.
Harwichport


Tombstone:
Here Lies Jane Smith
Wife of Thomas Smith
Marble Cutter:
This Monument Erected
By Her Husband
As A Tribute
To Her Memory.
Monuments of this style
are 250 Dollars.


Tombstone with shrubs:
I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.


On the four husbands of Ivy Saunders:
Here lies my husbands 1 - 2 - 3
As still as men could ever be.
As for the fourth: Praise be to God
He still abides above the sod:
Abel, Seth and Leidy were the first 3 names
and to make things tidy I'll add his - James.
Shutesbury


Falkirk, England -
1690
Here lie the bones of Joseph Jones
Who ate while he was able.
But once overfed, he dropt down dead
And fell beneath the table.
When from the tomb, to meet his doom,
He arises amidst sinners.
Since he must dwell in heaven or hell,
Take him - whichever gives the best dinners.


Here lies Johnny Cole.
Who died upon my soul
After eating a plentiful dinner.
While chewing his crust
He was turned into dust
With his crimes undigested - poor sinner.


Roxbury, Connecticut -
Eliza, Sorrowing
Rears This Marble Slab
To Her Dear John
Who Died of Eating Crab.


On baby's graves:
Ope'd my eyes, took a peep;
Didn't like it, went to sleep.
It is so soon that I am done for
I wonder what I was begun for.


On a hypochondriac's grave:
See. I told you
I was SICK!


On a grave digger-
Hooray my brave boys
Lets rejoice at his fall.
For if he had lived
He would have buried us all.


On a coroner who hung himself:
He lived
And died
By suicide
West Grimstead, Sussex, England


On an Architect:
Here lies Robert Trollope
Who made yon stones roll up.
When death took his soul up
His body filled this hole up.


On a Painter:
A Finished Artist


On a gardener:
To the Green Memory of
William Hawkings
Gardener:
Planted Here
With Love and Care
By His
Grieving Colleagues
Davenport


On a teacher:
Professor S. B. McCracken
School is out
Teacher
Has gone home.
Elkhart, Indiana


On a dentist:
Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.
Edinburgh, Scotland


On a traveling salesman:
My Trip is Ended:
Send My Samples Home
Hoboken


On an Auctioneer:
Jedediah Goodwin
Auctioneer
Born 1828
Going!
Going!!
Gone!!!
1876


On an attorney:
Goembel
John E.
1867-1946
"The defense rests"


On a waiter:
Here lies the body of
Detlof Swenson.
Waiter.
God finally caught his eye.
April 10, 1902


On a brewer:
G. Winch, the brewer, lies buried here.
In life he was both hale and stout.
Death brought him to his bitter bier.
Now in heaven he hops about.


On a fisherman:
Captain Thomas Coffin
Died 1842, age 50 years.
He's done a-catching cod
And gone to meet his God.
New Shoreham, Rhode Island


On a Coal-miner
Gone Underground For Good


On a spinster postmistress:
Returned-Unopened
In a North Carolina cemetery


Here is resting my dearest wife,
BRUNJILDA JALAMONTE,
1974 - 1997
Lord, please welcome her with the same joy I sent her to you.


On a hanged man-
RAB MCBETH
Who died for the want
of another breath.
1791-1823


Larne, Ireland - On a hanged sheep stealer:
Here lies the body of
Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool
and died by hemp.


Winterborn Steepleton Cemetery, Dorsetshire, England-
Here lies the body
Of Margaret Bent
She kicked up her heels
And away she went.


John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.



On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.



On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.



Here lies the body of Elred.
At least he will be when he is dead.
But now at this time he's still alive,
14th August '65.
Oxford, England.
(Elred eventually made it.)



Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.



In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.


(Epitaph on a huge boulder on the grave of a doctor)
William P. Rothwell, M.D.
1866-1939
This is on me. L
Oak Grove Cemetery, Pawtucket, Rhode Island


Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.



The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"



The dust of
Melantha Gribbling
Swept up at last
by the Great Housekeeper






Honey you don't know
what you did for me,
Always playing the lottery.
The numbers you picked
came in to play,
Two days after you passed away.
For this,
a huge monument I do erect,
For now I get a yearly check.
How I wish you were alive,
For now we are worth 8.5


On a flat stone:
Effen Nyt
(translates into "Exactly Nothing." Put on stone by disappointed heirs) New Church, Amsterdam, Holland



Here beneath this stone we lie
Back to back my wife and I
And when the angels trump shall trill
If she gets up then I'll lie still!
Barlinine Cemetery, Glasgow, Scotland



1796 -- WISE -- 1878
Here lies the body of Ephraim Wise.
Safely tucked between his two wives.
One was Tillie and the other Sue.
Both were faithful, loyal, and true.
By his request in ground that's hilly
His coffin is set tilted toward Tillie.
Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada


Here lies
Elizabeth,
my wife for 47 years,
and this is the first damn thing
she ever done to oblige me.


Beneath this stone a lump of clay
Lies Uncle Peter Dan'els
Who early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels.



Reader, I've left this world, in which
I had a world to do;
Sweating and fretting to get rich:
Just such a fool as you.


Mary Lefavour
died 1797
aged 74 years
Reader pass on and ne'er waste your time
On bad biography and bitter rhyme.
For what I am this cumb'rous clay insures,
And what I was, is no affair of yours.


Here lies the body
of John Round.
Lost at sea
and never found.
Belturbet, Ireland


Sacred to the memory of
Major James Brush
Royal Artillery, who was killed
by the accidental discharge of
a pistol by his orderly,
14th April 1831.
Well done, good and faithful servant.


This Empty Urn is
Sacred to the Memory
of John Revere
Who Died Abroad
in Finistere:
If He Had Lived
He Would Have Been
Buried Here.


Brigham Young
Born on this spot 1801



-----------------------------
In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.
-----------------------------


Also see:
http://quotequota.blogspot.com/2007/07/part-i.html

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/tombstone_humor.asp

http://seniors-site.com/funstuff/epitaphs.html

http://www.alsirat.com/epitaphs/

http://www.blakjak.demon.co.uk/epitfs.htm

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Epitaphs

http://www.webpanda.com/ponder/epitaphs.htm

http://mistyhorizon2003.hubpages.com/hub/Funny-and-Bizarre-Epitaphs

http://deadfunnyepitaphs.tumblr.com/

http://quotesnphrases.blogspot.com/2006/10/funny-epitaphs.html

http://www.1funny.com/funnyepitaphs.shtml

http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.ancestry.com/~jmautrey/genealogy/genpoems/epitaphs.htm

http://www.archive.org/stream/funnyepitaphs00eatouoft/funnyepitaphs00eatouoft_djvu.txt

http://www.squidoo.com/funnyfamoustombstoneepitaphs

http://www.funny-quotes.org.uk/funny-tombstone-quotes/

http://www.everlifememorials.com/v/headstones/epitaphs-inscriptions.htm

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/tombstone.html

http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/treasure/msg101137318003.html