Red Light Halt
Sadly, he was color-blind.
Ham Stereburn
The wheel's still turning
But the hamster's dead.
Jessica Albrite
Cause of Death: Suicide
She made many attempts
She only needed to succeed once
I bought life insurance,
When am I getting paid?
Friends help you move.
Real friends help you move bodies.
Guess which kind I had?
There was a prophesy foretelling I would one day die
I still say that fortune teller was a dumbass.
Why the hell did I think it was a good time to hum the Mission Impossible theme?
Here lies
Donna Crane
An Atheist
All dressed up
and no place to go.
ILENE FINCHMOOR
If I were still alive...
IF, a two letter word for futility
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Nona Pease.
She is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
Here lies the remains of
Jonnas Woodhen.
The most amiable of husbands
And excellent of men.
His real name was Woodcock
But it wouldn't come in rhyme.
(And no matter how much the widow spends,
In respect for a man who can not among us walk,
On his grave, lies of potency is a crime)
Here lies
Julian Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Kitty Greystone
This is my story
THE END
Here lies Aaron Young
Died Age 102
Only The Good Die Young
In Memory of Elisa Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
Here's to Jesse, quite a guy
Very sad he had to die
All was well, could not be better
Till he wrote my girl a letter.
Here lies a true sinner-
One whom became lost in his own LUST
Succumbed to GLUTTONY
And fed on GREED
Fell to PRIDE
And felt the WRATH
Truly, not one to ENVY
For he now knows only SLOTH
Tombstone topped with antlers:
HIDAN
Immortal but Resting In Pieces
DEIDARA
I'm not dead, un.
ICHIGO KUROSAKI
Substitute No More
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Graffiti Jokes 1
If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, Ariz.
Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?
Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's,
Phoenix, Ariz.
You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed
Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,
Beverly Hills, CA
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, Ariz.
Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?
Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's,
Phoenix, Ariz.
You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed
Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,
Beverly Hills, CA
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
Why the hell? Jokes 1
Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?
Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them, but if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it?
Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it gots mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?
Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them, but if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it?
Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it gots mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.
Cop Jokes 1
A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.
COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"
COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."
GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.
COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"
Death Jokes 1
Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:
The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Food Jokes 1
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)